its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
