anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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