Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
