We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
