if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
