Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
