Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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