im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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