I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
