I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
