I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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