I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
