Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
