I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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