my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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