i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
