i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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