Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
