I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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