I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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