My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
