im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
