cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
