Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
