Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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