she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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