Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
