Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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