i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
