the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
