i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
