ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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