God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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