he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I party with great urgency now.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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