Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
