there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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