I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
