i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
