Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
