Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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