Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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