I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
