i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
