Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
