she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
