Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
They have beer where we have blood.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
