first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
