There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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