I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
