mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
