my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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