ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
